ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR OWN GOOD?
It May be Time for Some Healthy Selfishness!

 

 

 

 

Let's face it!
Sometimes you're a real pushover, a softy, an easy mark –
especially when it comes to a few special people you care about.

You have your moments of strength but, on the whole,
you give more than you should, more often than you want to,
and in more ways than you care to admit.

There are times when you give not because you truly want to
but because not giving makes you uncomfortable.
 
To make matters worse,
you're not sure whether you really want to change.

You like the way you are:
You can be a caring friend, a devoted parent, a loving partner.
But sometimes, it seems all the good you do
goes undervalued or unappreciated.
       
That's when you get frustrated and promise yourself that
the next time you won't try as hard or give as much.
But when the next time comes along,
you end up giving and trying once again.

IF ALL OF THE ABOVE SOUNDS FAMILIAR,
YOU MAY NEED SOME HELP!


More than a good, swift kick in the rear,
you probably need a smart way to get what you require and
what you want without feeling guilty and, most of all,
without backtracking and reversing every positive action you take.
       

First let's see how much of a self-denier you are and
how much healthy selfishness you are going to need
to get back into balance.



WHAT'S YOUR
HEALTHY SELFISHNESS SCORE?

TRUE/FALSE




If friends were describing you, you would prefer they said you were a caring and loving person rather than a happy person.

You are more comfortable taking care of others than having them take care of you.

You are often surprised at how incompetent people around you are and keep hoping they will become more responsible.

You find that your most helpful advice is often disregarded.

You sometimes have to bite your tongue in the presence of your children, spouse, or other family members.

You generally find it much easier to do things yourself.

You go to greater lengths for many others than they would for you.

If someone treats you poorly, usually you continue to treat them as you always have.

You are often taken for granted by your friends or family.

You sometimes accept behavior from friends or family that you wouldn't accept from a stranger.

You experience the joy of good things more fully when there's someone you care about to share it with.

You sometimes accept behavior from friends or family that you wouldn't accept from a stranger.

You sometimes wish you could just let go and get a break from taking care of everything and everybody.

There have been times when you've talked back to the television, making sarcastic comments or correcting grammar.

You often keep promises you have made even if it means sacrificing your own needs and desires.

You would hate to be remembered as someone who was selfish.

 

SCORING

Count your "True" answers:

 

0 - 2
TRUE ANSWERS

You are Self-Absorbed and Self-Indulgent:
AN UNHEALTHY IMBALANCE

 

Your score indicates that you do NOT deny yourself – just the opposite! You rarely consider anyone else's feelings unless you are likely to profit from pretending that you care.

Friends and family may tolerate you, but in all likelihood only those with an unhealthy need to please will continue to accept your attitude and behaviors.

You generally feel neither guilt nor shame for taking more than your fair share of attention, time, money or consideration. Given your exalted self-status, you consider these to be mere perks that are your due.

When feelings of loneliness, anxiety, or boredom creep into your super-controlled existence, you place the blame on the obvious inadequacies of those around you.

This level of self-concern is unlikely to bring little but compensatory and fleeting satisfaction in life. Achievements are experienced as unfulfilling, relationships as demanding, and day-to-day life as tedious.

 

3-4
TRUE ANSWERS

You are a Self-Actualizer:
A HEALTHY BALANCE

 

Your score indicates that you have attained an equality in meeting the needs of yourself and others.

When you come face-to-face with the needs or wishes of friends or family or the demands of your job, you find creative ways to meet their requirements while satisfying your own desires. You don't deny yourself unless there is a very good reason to do so but, when it is necessary to put your own needs aside, you do so without resentment.

When you do not run to the rescue of family and friends or you do not give them exactly what they want when they want it, they may accuse you of being uncaring or insensitive. Although you would prefer that they understood your motives and the wisdom of your approach, their accusations do not greatly distress you.

 

5-7
TRUE ANSWERS

You are a Self-Denier at Level 1:
POSTPONING YOUR NEEDS

 

As a Level 1 self-denier, you often postpone your needs and desires until a more “acceptable” or “appropriate” time (which may never come). Level 1 self-deniers never seem to have time to go to the bathroom, drink enough water, get enough sleep, or eat healthy food in a relaxed atmosphere.

Your hard work, consideration, generosity, and sometimes your affection are taken for granted more often than you might want to admit. And although you prefer to avoid confrontation, when pushed past your limit you will finally speak up for yourself.

When you see those who are less giving or caring than you getting greater appreciation or financial rewards, you sometimes remind yourself that what goes around, comes around. But sometimes you secretly wish it would come around more quickly to you.

 

8-12
TRUE ANSWERS

You are a Self-Denier at Level 2:
IGNORING YOUR NEEDS

 

If you are a typical Level 2 Self-Denier, you are likely to skip lunch on a regular basis when work demands are heavy, give up precious relaxation time to accommodate to your youngster’s chauffeuring needs, make love when your really prefer to go straight to sleep, or eat at a restaurant that you know will almost certainly cause you to go off your diet in order to not make a fuss or been seen as a bother.

Like millions of others who give more than they get, there are parts of your life that you would like to change; problem areas in your work and relationships that you can’t seem to work out no matter how hard you try. You alternate between blaming yourself for these problems and promising yourself and others that you’ll work them out in the future.

If you do not begin to add healthy selfishness into your life, your self-blame will continue to grow as your promises to yourself fail to materialize. You are in danger of continuing to ignore your needs and desires until you no longer even know there is something missing in your life.

 

13-15
TRUE ANSWERS

Your a a Self-Denier at Level 3:
SURPRESSING YOUR NEEDS

 

As a self-denier at Level 3, you may suppress your needs so often and so completely that you barely know they are there. You have become a well-oiled machine, able to meet the endless demands of others, taking pride in your ability to run on almost no fuel and requiring no maintenance—until you all but break down. You try to be competent, sometimes to the point of perfection—and capable, sometimes to the point making other people jealous (though their envy may surprise you).
Although you may take great pride in your ability to do more and do it better, give more and ask less, your self-denial can take its toll. When you are tired, you may push yourself harder to the point of breaking. When you need understanding, appreciation, simple affection, or a gentle touch, you may shame yourself out of these
most human of needs.

For some Level 3 self-deniers, life—that is, life as you have been living it—can feel pointless. The feeling that life holds little or no meaning can be one of the most important messages your mind, body, and soul are trying to communicate. If you have become accustomed to repressing your needs, you will most likely brush off your pain and tell yourself to just get on with it.

You may find it difficult, almost overwhelming, to come to grips with the realization that all of your self-sacrifice is not getting you what you want. In great part, you may want to avoid coming to grips with this thought because you may not know what else to do.

The good thing about self-denial at the third level is that, sooner or later, something has to give. Unfortunately, that’s the bad thing about it too. When enough years, unshed tears, and unacknowledged fears have piled up, a Level 3 may begin to experience moments of extreme breakthrough anger, significant emotional problems, or become chronically ill.

 

THE DECISION:
Do You Need More
Healthy Selfishness in Your Life?

If so, you'll find the help you need,
and the encouragement as well,
in our book,
Healthy Selfishness:
Getting the Life You Deserve Without the Guilt

 

 





Click or Double Click here
To Order


HEALTHY SELFISHNESS

 








Return to the
Hellers' Books
HOME page






 


© Copyright 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011
Drs. Richard and Rachael Heller, content, text, photos, design, and layout.
All rights reserved.
Click on underlined words for link Disclaimer and Trademark Info.